His Presence...

"If your presence does not go,.....Don't make us go up from here." Exodus 33:15

I have longed for His presence lately, more than usual. I realized that this truly is my hearts desire, that I be in His presence. For a long time I wanted to just be good on the outside....you know having right words, the right modest attire, well behaved kids.....having a godly appearance. Don't misunderstand me, I wanted the ways of the Lord.In doing all those things, I thought, I must be pleasing the Father which meant I belonged to Him. First let me say, If you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you belong to Him ; therefore being declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God (Romans 5:1). 

You see in the passage of scripture above, Moses realized that there was nothing of greater value than to have the presence of God with him. Being able to talk with God and know Him. He would rather stay in the wilderness  and have the presence of God, than to go to a land of continual riches and the best of all things good. God told Moses in Exodus 33 that He would send an angel with him and that He would fulfill his promise to the children of Israel only He was not going up with a stiff-necked people.

And Moses essentially said, 
No, please don't tell me to go without you, Lord! 

How often do we just go through the motions of a christian life doing good things, accomplishing much but not seeking His presence?Maybe we say a quick prayer and read a verse here or there; but never have enough time to actually enter in.What if we make it to church on time every Sunday and leave, not being moved with compassion? What if  our prayers slowly become more and more about making our lives a little bit easier and better; leaving out the widowed, the orphaned, and the sick?

"How will it be known that I and Your people have found favor in Your sight unless You go with us?" Exodus 33:16

I am learning that even in my vain attempt to walk this thing out right; I missed a vital part of the journey.
That is to know HIM.
 And not just to know Him, having only a head knowledge, but to know Him presence to presence.To begin to take on the very heart of God. Realizing that He has called us all to enter behind the veil.

End of our school year continued.....

Now that we are well into our summer, I have managed to do a large amount of decluttering. This was a major problem during the school year because nothing seemed to really be clean. We did not have a lot designated places for certain things. So those things just got stuffed somewhere. So chore time has been pleasant this summer. With many hopes we can continue this during our 2012-2013 school year.

Some of the things that I absolutely loved this school year were...... my weekly planning times, arranging my active teaching time where I began with the little's(2yo and 4yo) first and ended with my 5th grader, realizing that it is okay to school after lunch time, this did wonders to keeping me stress-free.....starting a load of laundry first thing in the morning, and the most important of all; getting up about 45 mins. earlier and working out and having a devotion time before the kids got up.

And just letting go...and trusting God to take care of the things I couldn't 

or

 did not have strength to do.

Some things that I was not pleased with were......not completing as much of the curriculum that I had planned on, implementing more character skills, being too busy outside the house, not doing nearly enough service time, and just being consistent.

And so, we bring another school year to a close with many ups and a few downs.....but we survived by the grace of God and infused with more love and joy because of His mighty hand in our lives. I am convinced that there really is nothing impossible with God; I've seen first hand the extreme change He has done this year as a whole with our family :) And what He is continuing to do in and through us. Our school this year looked completely different than the previous year. My prayer is that we continue to grow in the ways of the Lord and that our lives be living testimony of what God can do if you "put your trust in Him."(Psalm 2:12)


"Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed." Isaiah 49:23


"May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to You, Lord, my rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:4

End of our school year....

Our school year started so much better than I had expected....I was so happy with all the energy and preparations that were actually used through out the year. I don't know about you but I tend to not follow through with all my plans....I somehow just like the idea that they are out there somewhere..LOL! So this year was a real treat :)

So with that in mind, I decided for this year to be more relaxed and focus more on my organization. I didn't try to mass produce lesson plans before the year started. I decided to have lesson planning Sunday's. I would plan out my lessons for each week on Sunday afternoon while the children played outside. It would take me maybe an hour to plan for 2 children (my third child just did the next page in her text book and I would read to her and my youngest). I put each lesson and child in a time slot. If you are wondering what I mean by that the book "Managers of the home" by Steve and Teri Maxwell gave me this idea. You can find there products at www.titus2.com .

I also set up a specific chore time and big clean up/declutter time. Which was a big improvement from last year. In the previous years, I would get so frustrated and stressed when I woke up to a huge mess of a house that school would be the last thing on my list to do. The cycle of that led me to feeling so guilty and like a failure that I would further slip away from school work and later try to push to finish the year without over working the kids. Which left me a very frustrated mama. I thought, "If God is calling me to this...there has to be a better way." And there was. Though I am still tweaking it all....I have realized that being a wife and mother to four kids organization is a major key. And while my house is not as neatly organized as I would like for it to be; we have clean and clear spaces to actually live in. 


And on another note :)



Guitar lessons have come along beautifully and he is still really enjoying it. We also decided to do American Heritage Girls for my Indya and she really enjoyed it, as well. She learned a lot and developed new friendships. We discovered that she really is a servant. When given the opportunity; she opened up.


........more to come on how we schooled this year..........

"You will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace, for it is trusting in you." 

Isaiah 26:3

Going natural.....

Wow! Let me say this....... In the beginning when i began transitioning May of last year; I was beside myself with so much excitement. Through out the year I walked the road of knowing my hubby was not to keen on my decision but settled, knowing that I had very little knowledge of how to care for my hair in this state, and really there was no one around me that looked like me. Okay i know what you are thinking.....

.....hello...!! 

why do you care what everyone else thinks?

Well apparently I cared a whole lot more than even I knew. God did though... and He knew exactly the liberty He was ushering me into. Not only was He leading me into a more natural lifestyle for myself through hair, cloth diapering my little one, and food changes; He planted me in a Beth Moore bible study that would eventually shake me to the core. He began a process of showing me how I truly saw myself and it was not how He saw me. Without going into all of that, I will say He is "...renewing a right spirit within me..."(Ps.51:10)

 After transitioning for 9 1/2 months, I decided to braid my hair up to push through the last 2 months. Since I wanted to transition for a year. Well, that was fine until I took them out with a month to go. And to my dismay my relaxed hair was all dreaded up and had to be cut. Leaving me with no choice but to do my big chop at 11 months transitioning. I discovered that I was no more ready to do my big chop at 11 months as I was at the first month. I literally cried. I had everything i needed for natural hair as I had been collecting all year. But that wasn't my problem......

Will I no longer be beautiful?
A question that rolled around in my head more times than i  can count.
I was about to discover that God had a different meaning for beauty....and I was far from understanding.

When we tell our children that they are so beautiful, we can believe it for them. We know and understand that God made them beautiful just the way they are.

But do we always believe that for ourselves??


To know that this is all part of the journey....a journey worth taking.










" In her chamber, the royal daughter is all glorious.........." Psalm45:13a


"Lord, You are my portion and my cup of blessing; You hold my future. The boundary lines  have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. " Psalm 16:5-6

Trusting God in the unknown places....

Though we all have experiences times of closeness with the Lord; there are simply seasons that we journey through that are far from familiar and we don't know exactly which way to turn. 

Trust God!

It is where our constant peace and provision rest. 

He is with me...., 

I am reminded in a song or  in the Word often.

I've journeyed through a place of feeling completely ripped a part and the broken pieces can't be put together by me alone. 

Thank God that He is the master at rebuilding and putting the pieces together in a way that we are healed and restored. 

No longer shattered.
                                                            Beauty for ashes........

.

"....and provide for those who grieve in Zion to bestow on them a crown of beauty  instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3

Finding true beauty..at home..

Being a woman of noble character, I am somehow longing to be.

 Desiring to look just like her. 

Her, whom beauty and grace adorn like a crown about her head.

 Not surely knowing where she has been or what her Lord has brought her out of. 

Not truly knowing what a great captive she had been. 

Oh, but now the grace of her Lord has bound her immensely. 

Saturated in His love and mercy, she steps into each day with a sure knowing that He is with her. 

In everything...

 through everything....

 there is a grace that flows so richly from the throne room of her God.

Just for her.

" In her chamber, the royal daughter is all glorious, her clothing embroidered with gold." 

Psalm 45:13

Finding beauty in motherhood....

Sitting in my rocker, looking around at the many toys, shoes, and books that can't seem to make it's way back to where it belongs; I realize how sincerely  blessed I am. 

Yes, my littles can make just about any room look like a tornado has spun through it ........

..........and I'm grateful.

 My house could be nice and well-organized

(which I could stand to work on just a little bit more :)),

clean...without a toy in sight or books like "Guess how much I love you", just lying around.

My quiver is full and hopefully still growing. 

No, mothering four children is not easy and can be down right crazy in just about any grocery store, 

but the joy that comes with mothering super cedes every obstacle. The love of the Father poured out through my home is mind boggling. I wouldn't change a thing. Raising and nurturing them in the word is a gift from the Lord to this sometimes weary mama. Knowing that this is but my first round of discipleship. The rewards will exceed my lifetime. The hope is never ending. Oh, the privilege I have in watching these beautiful beings grow into the image of our Savior; and becoming the young men and women God purposed them to be.

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

A time when there is no more....

As I sat in my rocker, I thought ....there is coming a time very soon when I will not be washing diapers twice a week.

 And I'm sad.....

Should I be sad? Why do I not want to move into a different season? 

A season when my littles aren't so little anymore. I want to move past some things and freeze time on the others. Having smooth, well-oiled days all of sudden doesn't sound so appealing to me. Taking the good with the bad, I guess. I want my two year old out of the terrible twos yet I want to keep him two! A stage that is so precious. That I'm actually enjoying for the  first time with my fourth child.

Crazy, I know :)

I never paid attention before. I tended to focus more on the negative then. Something that comes from God's freedom is a positive attitude. I'm not so angry anymore...I'm not rushing to happiness anymore.
I actually took time this year and enjoyed the season change from winter to spring.

Amazing!!

God holds all in His tender hands. The love and comfort that I long for and the eye openers that I need.

Praise the Lord, for His goodness endures forever. 

To the ends of the earth, it flows.

So richly among us all. Precious moments of endearment with a glimpse of His face. His constant drawing releasing His children that had been captive to the enemy's sling.

Freedom! 
We call out and He turns an ear. Setting in motion our deliverance. 

Praise the Lord, for His mercy endures forever.

And flows to the ends of the earth. Rescuing His dear ones from the yokes we so easily become entangled in. 
Deliverance! 
We cry out and He turns a ready ear. Releasing the Savior to break the chains and draw His daughters near.

To my face I fall, knowing that now I'm counted as one so dear. 

The blood that broke the yokes also drips to bring me peace. Restoring and rebuilding this temple now saved by grace. 

Praise my God, for His love endures forever to the ends of the earth, it flows. 

Thank you, Lord that I'm counted as one so dear.

In His grace,

Along the way

"He sent forth His word and healed them..." Psalm 107:20

In our brokenness....

It has been a while since i have been here.....though i have not ceased to write. I love it.....It is just something about meeting Him there in quiet, just you and Him with your paper and pen.
So here is a sneak peek into my journal and where I have been these past weeks...............

~ Lord, as today comes to a slow end; I realize that you really are good. And I wouldn't know your goodness was so drastically good if, at times, I didn't hurt. I wouldn't need to know. But through your grace the pain and hurt of this life is worth it to know your goodness. TO know your sweet love for your daughters. When everything seems to be so hard and the life you long for seems so far out of reach; you oh Lord, are right there with me. Thank you that you don't leave me comfortless because THE COMFORTER is with me. Though the tears seem to readily come, stinging my eyes for hours on out; I know that they were not wasted but counted by  you, Father. For you know the very depths of my heart and you know where you are taking me. You know exactly where this brokenness is taking me.I pray you pick up the shattered pieces and put them together according to your perfect will.~

In His grace,

Along the way

So many times my brokenness is wasted because i don't seek the comfort of the Lord or His way. I simply erect an even bigger wall. Further causing my heart to not be fertile ground for His word to penetrate and SET ME FREE. There are just somethings that hurt which are direct results of declarations that i made inwardly and God desires to liberate me from.....When the walls are so thick i can't see HIM and I miss His hand in it.

"It is for freedom, Christ has set us free. Stand firm,then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." ~Galatians 5:1

Something I am memorizing.......

 God is goodness. He can be nothing less! And I am thankful for that!

I have enjoyed this song along the way.......

Praise God along this journey called life for He is worthy of our praise:)

"Lord you are my portion and my cup of blessings; You hold my future." Psalm 16:5

Hurt...

One thing that rings clearer than an actual bell to me is hurt. I know it all to well.
What it sounds like...,what it feels like......,what it looks like......
As i sit here and fight the temptation to pull out my rock and mortar, I think how easy it would be to just erect another wall. Protection becomes a constant in my countenance. Always looking around the corner for hurt to rear it's ugly demeanor. It always looks worse coming from someone you trust with your heart yet they never fail to bruise your emotions and somewhat, though unintentionally, trample your heart.
With all these emotions flooding in, I must choose God's way. How merciful He is towards us and forgiving.
How I , too, desire to partake of such riches; which is Love that surpasses all understanding. And though building a wall around me would be my typical knee jerk reaction, I want God more! I need God more!

And to know that He cares for me more than that hurt ever will or that His love can cover me more than any wall can; no matter its height.

"But when the goodness of God and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us- not by works of righteousness that we had done, but according to His mercy through the washing of regeneration and renewal by the Holy Spirit." ~Titus 3:4-5~

A Journey worth taking....

"When Paul got to the steps, he had to be carried by the soldiers because of the mob's violence,"

Acts 21:35

After reading the events in Acts 21 and 22 with a slightly different set of eyes; the emotion overtook me. The journey to the top of those stairs must have been hard  but to Paul, it was everything. He had to move. He was compelled to it. Completely over taken with such a Christ-like passion; He girded himself and spoke to the very ones wishing his death came sooner than later. I don't know how many steps he had been carried down before he began the track back up; but i figure with every step his heart beat with the enormous  compassion of God for the lost ones that yelled out to him. You see, he had committed his life to the 

ONLY ONE who saves and sanctifies.

How do I get there? I ask myself. 

I've had such encounters of overflow with God; yet there are still moments when I choose feelings over His precious love. How I want to take such a journey attesting to your amazing love! Not so much in the same way but with the same heart. Continue, Lord  to draw me to the well of life. You are blessing me along the way. Freedom in Christ is a gift worth desiring.....

and falling to my knees............

is a journey worth taking.

"Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." ~Romans 5:1~

Desiring Him...

Blessed is she who chooses the way of the Lord.

Who desires to walk uprightly before the Lord.

I AM will surely deliver her. 

Let Him bring her up who calls on the name of the most High.

Let Him set her on His firm foundation.

Speaking only what He has given her.

Blessed is the woman who hides His truth in her heart, for 

He cannot be squelched!

He will bear her up above all. 

He will pave the righteous way.

He will be your freedom, your strong arm.

Fearing nothing, press pass human nature until you arrive

at heaven's door.

Kneel down, breaking the jar of all that's within, at HIS foot.

Pour it out my daughters. For what He gives is of greater value.

Trust in Him who desires your heart. 

For He is freedom.

"It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are Spirit, and they are life." ~John 6:63~

In HIS hands....

I've discovered that there are areas of my life that I have chosen to hold on to, even though I know the joy that taking hold of the freedom we have in Christ brings.
There are things that I have consciously told the Lord, "I can't go there...or...I'm not emotionally ready to uproot that.....or....who am I apart from that?"

And the latter thought is where i am going to focus....

You see, it seems that in a world that challenges our identities constantly; we feel the need to prove ourselves constantly. And I'm learning to rest in the truth that I am His daughter, whom He loves and desires.

There is a specific part of me that God has brought me around to again....and to let it go or dig in deeper, emotionally my heart says, "Who will i be without this?" 

Definitely a freed person indeed and a more joyous, abounding with the love of God person.

I've learned that on the other side of this is the cycle of coming out of the feeling of death..... then God presents life to me again....Will I grab hold of Love's perfect hand and allow Him to usher me into complete freedom, or will i sink back? Because you can't be at a stand still ....I can't just tuck it away and continue to move in the Lord in other areas.I've seen that hurt will be like a poison that contaminates all the other areas of my walk with Him.

It will be revealed!

He loves us too much to not deal with the secret things in our heart.

Aren't we thankful for that :) God exposing those deeply rooted areas allows us to see Him....just a little closer..... to know Him as our deliverer and redeemer.

"The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and HIS ears are attentive to their cry...."~Psalm34:15


Listen to God's heart here is this video......

".....If only You would bless me, extend my border, let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm, so that I will not cause any pain......" 1 Chronicles 4:10

Give me ears to hear.......

"A house and wealth are inherited from fathers, 

but a sensible wife is from the LORD." 

Proverbs 19:14

Being a wife brings about so many aspects of womanhood, but the one that rings loudly to me is dying to self. So much of the time I find myself saying," I want it to be about me today, Lord!" Yet the computer wins out every time. It (the computer) greets my hubby on quick lunch breaks and after work most days; and last night I decided that I was fed up with it. It's not like the computer can make his lunch and dinner :) So I walk up stairs fuming,and I plopped down into bed and picked up my book with force and began reading.  And God began to speak to my spirit "pay attention." It was not harsh, though that is just what I deserved with my behavior, though it was inward actions. 

   I opened "The Beautiful Fight" by Gary Thomas, and began reading where I had left off. Here He is writing a letter of encouragement to his daughter's dance instructor........

                                    ......The way you love your husband, respect him, honor him, and live with him

                               will be seen by so many future wives. The way you talk about him, 
the way they see you treat him, could have profound influence. So it only makes sense that 

   this could be an area of attack. Every marriage 

has seasons-the on-the-mountaintop seasons, 

the difficult seasons,and even just the tired seasons-where two people 

can slowly drift from each other without even knowing it. I

 obviously don't have any idea what season your marriage is in, 

but as a brother I encourage you to continue to move toward your

 husband, to pray to God about your heart for him, and to ask 

God to renew your love and devotion. (The beautiful fight, pg.78)

My eyes began to tear up because I knew it was God speaking directly through this passage to my heart. And I thank God for giving me ears to hear him speak and eyes to see HIS heart for me.

You see, God has called wives to love their husbands in many of the same ways that we love our LORD. He, the Lord , created us for relationship and through further prayer last night; I realized that was the sore spot for me. In yet another eye opening experience, God says, "that is what I desire also". HE showed me through my heart wrenching desire for time spent with my husband that HE desires relationship with me more than any sacrifice, gift or action.

So in all our doing.....Let it be to cultivate relationship and our heart response be out of the relationship we have with our LORD!

"The one who pursues righteousness and faithful love will find life, righteousness, and honor."~ Proverbs 21:21

My sweet Eli'sha :)

I remember 2years ago on this day, so sweetly. On that day i was able to see God answer prayer. Knowing mentally that he hears the desires of our heart but had not quite made it a reality to me. On this morning I praised God through the sweet delivery of my fourth child, Eli'Sha Daniel. He has been such a blessing to our family. We love you very much :)

"Bless the Lord, O my soul! O Lord my God, You are very great:" ~Psalm 104:1~